I'm not attempting to be a constant downer. I had hoped that with each revelation about the difficulties of simply existing, never mind being a cancer survivor (or survivor of any life-altering event) that I had infused a bit of humor into the struggle. I was watching the O.C. tonite, yes, I love that show, and Seth (the boy that beat my brother out for the part so we're not to mention the name of the show in front of him, even if him and Adam are friends) was consoling Lindsay. I could tell you about what but then this becomes a whole recap of who is who and what is going on and that's not going to really help. Anyway, he says that they joke after traumatic events, or even during traumatic events, and even though she looks skeptical at the time, she catches on and throws one in herself. I would hope that I do the same here, and in my life. My friend accuses me always of being self-pitying, I prefer witty with a side of self-deprecating. I know the limitations of a situation and it's hard to be honest in a forum when you don't know who's reading it and what they're thoughts of you are. I'm always concerned about how people view me, what they think of me, and how I come across. So being here behind words doesn't really help to gauge the reaction of those who may or may not be looking this over in either agreement or snide giggles. I guess that's the chance we all take when we agree to be honest about what goes on. And I guess that's the chance that I'm taking when I decided to not just write about my illness in and of itself. That will always be the safer route because most people won't mock cancer patients. But when you choose to be honest about life after treatment, or life in general, you open yourself up so much more. And I find that here I am, making jokes about the fact that at this point in time, I'm so confused, so lost, so searching and at times, so lonely. Lonely because I feel that every action needs to be reasoned and explained. I'm always concerned about the deeper meaning behind each choice I make. It makes you guarded; and when you let down your guard and become vulnerable, even for a minute, you're more likely to freak out obsess. It's so much easier to be closed off, to not tell anyone what this is like, but then that's only because no one can know of the embarrasment or the questions or anything that can't be tied up with a pretty bow.

I'm not going to say I have any answers. It's obvious from reading through this I don't. I am struggling with my new life. I hadn't ever thought that I didn't have to leave home or move across the country in order to start over again. Although now, I feel that it's exactly what I'm doing. I'm reestablishing things that most people my age have already done. They've navigated the unsure world of where I'm at just now, and whether or not they've actually come to any conclusions, they at least know somewhat of where they're going. A lot of my friends can't understand my constant overanlyzing or seemingly strange behavior. Who cares if you got drunk? You had a good time! Who cares if your boss yelled at you? They'll forget about it tomorrow! Who cares if your bank account isn't all that high? You're only 25 and single! I know how to handle the big stuff, the actual life crisis. It's the little stuff, this everyday stuff, that I just can't seem to get a handle on.