This week has been nuts. I mean, completely crazy. I was co-in-charge of running a conference for 180 people. Demanding people. But a good group none the less. Needless to say, major freakout last night. I was on the dance floor, and all of the sudden I was having some trouble breathing. And for the past week, I've been sweating during the day. So, if you've read the other posts, you can see where the freakout is coming from. I'm not saying I know what's happening or that its' even anything, but I'm so wiped right now. I'm scared. I have to go for my regular scans, and well, I'm not saying that it's anything and that any of this is even real. But well, maybe if I put it out there, I'd learn to stop freaking out.

My friend from HS has been sending me emails. Not the personalized ones, but the forwards. the one today was "how well do you know so and so" and it had a bunch of questions. usually, I delete them, but i figured I'd answer these, cause what would it hurt.

But it's such a good concept--how well do you know a person. And what does that mean? Not just what their favorite color is but how they'd react, respond, relate, feel to certain topics, movies, television shows, events, etc. That I suppose is really knowing a person. And I don't know if I get that far with most of my relationships. I know that most people would know who I think is cute, and my favorite movie, but could they guess that I am outraged by the genocide on the African Continent. That I often feel helpless by not feeling like I can do enough to help people? That my life often feels incomplete for a variety of reasons: that I'm not doing enough with my talents, that the love of my life is far away and unattainable, that i spend my stressors on work events and not LIFE events?

That was always the hardest thing when faced with death for me: who really knows me? Have I had any time to make a difference? Do I just not say anything because I'm afraid of a confrontation and I am letting myself down? Am I afraid of risk, of chance, of fate, of LIFE because I'm afraid that once someone gets to know me, the real me, that they'll be disappointed? I don't know. I think we all struggle with that reality. That having someone know all about you--not just the trivia facts--is daunting because they're in your head, they're a part of you. And I don't know how many of us are truly ready to relinquish that much control to another person. I think that's why we hide, why we tell tales, and jokes, and avoid answering questions that speak to the things we're afraid to admit. I don't know. I know that when I'm out, I'm not thinking about my next CT scan. But it's there. It's in my heart. It's something that I wish someone just understood, instead of me having to say it. But if I don't voice it, if I don't make it real, how can I blame anyone for not understanding how hard it really is?