When I was in High School, or even now, I’d always have this fantasy that I’d be walking down the block and someone who I broke up with or moved away or whatever would be standing there waiting for me and it’d be all romantic and movie like. That never really happened. But, there was this one time when I saw my best friend and he just looked so happy to see me. We hadn’t seen each other in a while although we talk all the time. And believe me, I was beyond happy to see him. It was the closest to that movie moment that I’ve ever gotten. And it made me realize how important he was to me. And how happy I was to have him in my life. He’s probably one of the only people that sees me for who I am and still thinks I’m fantastic. Like that I watch Angel and Buffy; that I have a Spongebob Squarepants water bottle; a good glass of chocolate milk at a diner can solve any problem I’m having; that when I’m happy I skip down the block, even in heels; that I get angry at people who do not observe elevator etiquette; and a million other quirks that basically add up to the fact that I’ll never be that perfectly put together career woman. When I was sick, he was the person who wouldn’t let me use that as an excuse. Who never saw me as sick. And who made the day not revolve around my illness and would talk endlessly about whatever problem was bothering him and allowed me to be his friend. It was so easy with us. I don’t know what I’d have done without him. So this is his shout-out.

I bring this up because I was speaking with one of my friends yesterday, and she and I were discussing a couple of things. While I’d like to think that this whole experience hasn’t changed me fundamentally, that’s unfortunately not true. I used to be one of those people who just gave and gave, forgave any slight and continued to be hurt and disappointed by people, but I never stopped. I am not like that anymore. I’ve been so hurt by people I considered my friends, and I walk around with this weight on my shoulders. I feel that I’m not a perfect person, have made many mistakes, so who am I not to forgive these people. I have spoken to them about my hurts and though they swore up and down that they would change and now that they knew what I needed that they would be there for me. But things haven’t changed. I’m still the one to call. When I finished radiation, the phone didn’t ring with a question of “how are you doing?” In fact, it still hasn’t. And when I do talk to them during the week, I get irrationally angry and annoyed and wind up getting off the phone more bitter than when I hadn’t spoken to them at all. I realized that I can’t forgive them. I simply can’t. There’s this part of me that is like, you want to go back to the way things were, yakking about the O.C. or Friends or whatever other mindless things we can talk about, but I can’t do that. And it’s affecting my relationships with the people who have been there for me. By focusing on the negative people that have been milling around my life, I’ve forgotten to focus on the people who sent me weekly cards, showed up to my house with movies and to watch Gilmore Girls, who bought me a funny book on cancer or a book that they thought would help me get through this, who traveled a million miles to get here. Those people are the ones I should be focusing on. And I’m going to have to drop the baggage. I liken trying to be friends with these people again like getting back with an old boyfriend. Yeah, you had some really good times and you were good together once upon a time. But there’s a very tenuous thread holding you together now; you’re kind of only back together because it’s comfortable and you feel like you owe it to your history to try again. But all the “I’m sorry’s” wind up not outweighing all the negative feelings and pretty soon you’re fighting over what movie to see like it’s the greatest decision in the world. For some reason, in relationships we’re always trying to salvage something, to fulfill our obligations to those that we profess to love and we have (I have) a hard time accepting that this person is just not someone that should be in my life. I just don’t have the patience and tolerance for people like I once did. And I’m going to have to accept it. They tell you that forgiving is cleansing, but holding on isn’t. We need to be able to let go of the people who weren’t there for us and continue to not be. It’s not holding a grudge. It’s taking out the negative influences that are holding us back from moving forward. Because it’s time to accept that I’ve changed and that the person I once was, no longer exists. But I’d like to keep the good in her and move forward from there. And I want to do it with the people I love and trust. Because those are the people I want to now dedicate this to. The friends and family that truly are selfless and caring individuals. And I’d also like to thank them again.