It's been a month. I've taken off a month in order to try to separate the "Cancer-Self" from the "True-Self". You can ask me how that worked and I'd have to be honest and say, well, not that great.

See, I read an article recently where this woman spoke about not wanting to be part of the "sorority" of breast cancer; how she didn't want to be a survivor, she just wanted to be. I thought, yes that's a fantastic idea. I want that to. So, I went about my days reflecting and politely not discussing my disease. That was until:

Until there was a Lifetime Movie where the woman gets cancer and is considered a saint by all that knew her. And then she died.
Until there was a CSI episode about this boy with Leukemia and his sister who was his donor on almost everything from bone marrow to a kidney.
Until there I was, reading a book called Hit Reply , an innocuous enough novel until one of the characters gets Hodgkins Lymphoma, which according to the author is a great relief since this is the good one. The other one, ahem with the Non-has no hope. Gee, thanks for the mindless entertainment!
Until I realized that this election wouldn't focus on the ever deteoriating environment and I found out that due to a toxic landfill by my childhood home, I probably got this disease
Until I realized that I would always have to make sure I was employed or else without insurance, and a health care plan that helped those without employment, I'd be screwed
Until I saw my brother's play, and a central character was dealing with the loss of his partner
Until Elizabeth Edwards was diagnosed with breast cancer. Until it was revealed that Melissa Etheridge had breast cancer. And Edie Falco.


So there it is. There is no denying that it is integral part of who I am. A forever part of who I am. It's one of those life experiences you can't just shrug off because you don't want it anymore. It's shaped who I've become. And while I may lament of how I wish I could go back. Go back to those moments when I didn't know, but I can't. But now it's time to move forward on the living piece as opposed to just surviving. Because it doesn't go away; I just need to learn how to let it stay.