Sometimes I would love to blame all my idiocy on chemo. Unfortunately, I can’t. But I will say that chemo has made me much more forgetful. I used to never forget a birthday; now I actually have to put reminders in my Outlook and on my phone and send emails to myself. If I walk away from something, it takes me a lot longer to remember what I was doing. I forget what I’m saying midway through a really good argument. I repeat myself several times before I realize I’ve told the same story to the same audience. My excuses for things while creative, are unfortunately also true. They sound like a “My Dog Ate My Homework” type of thing but I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. For instance, I once got out of the shower and was getting ready for work when I put on a camisole and then my skirt. I slipped on some shoes and was out the door. I kid you not, I was halfway down the block before I realized—I didn’t have underwear on. I ran back to my apartment and was like, “Really, who forgets underwear?” I guess that I was planning on putting on after I put my skirt on, but truth be told, have no real idea what my thought process was on that.

But this morning, well, I don’t think I can blame it on chemo. I had taken my wallet out of my bag to go to the dry cleaners. When I got back home, I forgot to take my wallet out of my everyday bag and put it in my work bag. So, this morning all proud that I’m up early enough to get the early bus and all, I get to the bus stop only to realize my wallet was not with me. I had to walk all the way back home to retrieve said wallet and then in a fit of fiscal irresponsibility brought on by my utter stupidity (and if anyone asks I will stand by my statement that my hip was bothering me) I took a $4 cab ride back to the bus stop. The cab didn’t even leave me off as close as I really needed to be to the stop, so I had to cross 5 lanes of traffic and run to catch the bus anyway, and then I couldn’t get my Egg and Cheese on a bagel this morning because I had already spent that money. I almost didn’t get my coffee either, but seeing as I had already had such a horrible morning and knew I would need the fortification to deal with my coworkers scrounged up enough change to get my caffeine fix. And no, I can’t blame this morning on cancer or chemo or fate, just blondeness, I guess.

But it was hard to be on chemo and work and deal with the forgetfulness. Mostly because I wasn’t entirely sure if it was really me or my colleagues or my boss; sometimes, it was like they were gas-lighting me. “Oh, I definitely sent that to you,” they’d say after a third request for a document. “You did?” I would ask puzzled. “I’m telling you. I sent that on the 3rd of November, I mean, I even wrote it down on this piece of paper. I can fax it to you. The piece of paper with the date I mean. Are you sure you didn’t lose it? Or misplace it?” Considering that my desk was piled with paper and I had the recent tendency to misplace and lose things, I couldn’t say with certainty if I had done that or not. I would mumble an apology and ask for it to be resent. And then my boss would recount conversations that I didn’t remember having. “I told you that I want it in this type of font and size.” Again, I would say “You did?” He would bark at me in the affirmative and I would be left wondering why I wasn’t walking around with a tape recorder so that I could stop embarrassing myself. Sometimes I really did misplace the papers. But just as often, they were never sent. And in a discussion with a friend later on she confided something about my supervisor to me. “He changes his mind all the time and then tells you that you weren’t listening or you didn’t hear him or whatever. He kind of gets a kick out of doing that to people.”